The Whole Monty Python
by Dotti3
Summary: One shots featuring a severly misunderstood Orochimaru caught with his pants down.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One: Naruto Learns to Knock...The Hard Way

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><p>"Sasuke!" Naruto roared, tearing through the dimly lit base in search of his long lost friend.<p>

Doors were thrown open in quick succession, only for their rooms to be found empty. This didn't deter Naruto in the least, as he kept charging down the halls. He had come so far and there was no way he was turning back; not when he was this close.

Soon enough, he had reached a dead end and there was only one door left. An ominous feeling overcame Naruto as he approached the door. His sixth sense had activated and it was literally yelling at him to get the hell away from the door. But with thoughts of Sasuke being held captive, he flung open the door with a battle cry.

He hadn't known what to expect when he opened the door. Prisoners or Sound nin, had been one of his guesses. Maybe even Sasuke, he had hoped. But that's not what he ended up seeing.

Sure it was Orochimaru's top-secret evil lair, but for some reason Naruto hadn't expected to run into the snake sannin again; let alone naked.

Naruto stood frozen, unable to move as one of his worst nightmares came true. There, lounging casually in front of him was Orochimaru, completely nude. He had never felt sicker than right now, unable to control himself as the ramen he had eaten previously reappeared. He emptied his stomach, but even then couldn't help but to dry heave.

Orochimaru, on the other hand, was highly offended. His day had been quite stress inducing thanks to the kyuubi and his fellow leaf shinobi. So, he had decided he deserved some time to himself. No evil plots, no annoying Kabuto trying to crawl up his ass, no bratty Uchiha heir to bug him, and most refreshing of all, no clothes to restrain him.

He had just gotten out of a refreshing bubble bath and felt much too drained to bother slipping on anything. He wasn't expecting anyone, so he saw no harm. He had just settled down on his bed, a fire blazing in his fire place, with a bottle of his finest sake in hand. He had every intention of drinking his ass off just like a former team mate of his, when he was rudely interrupted.

The kyuubi container had rudely barged into his room, yelling loudly. Then the idiot had frozen, stared at him in horror, and proceeded to puke his guts out on his newly cleaned floors. Not only had the boy ruined his alone time, he had the courage to look disgusted, like he, Orochimaru, the owner of this base, had done something appallingly wrong. The nerve!

The kid shouldn't even be here. On top of that, he had no manners. Hadn't anyone ever thought to teach the imbecile to knock before entering a room? First that strange Sasuke look-alike and now the nine tails. Never mind Sasuke, who still hadn't learned, despite years under his tutelage. It seemed Orochimaru was going to have to write a very heated letter to that drunkard of a Hokage, maybe even those perverts Jiraiya and Kakashi too.

"Get out!" Orochimaru bellowed, losing his patience with the brat who had resumed staring at him in abject horror, even pointing an accusing finger his way. The only thing stopping the enraged man from slaughtering the ignorant fool, was knowing it would only mean more to clean up.

The boy fled, not needing anymore prompting. Orochimaru's eyes twitched when his ears were assaulted by the boy's terrified screams. Grumbling at the loss of his naked time, he set out to dress and made note to have someone clean up the regurgitated ramen on his floor. He had a couple of letters to write.

/Fin/

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><p><strong>Ending Note:<strong> How did you like it? This is my first fic to be submitted and I'm dying for some feedback. As pathetic as this is, I'm literally begging for reviews. You don't even need to have an account to do so. Even if you only write one word, it would mean the world to me. Hell, I'll even be happy with just a smiley or frownie face. So please, I grovel and beg, review. I plan to make this into a series of one shots featuring various Naruto characters encountering a naked Orochimaru. If you have a request, just put it in a review or pm me and I'll try to accomadate accordingly. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your time. Hope you enjoyed!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:** Sai Discovers Emotions

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.

To those who reviewed~

**well then:** Omg! Thank you so much for not only the long review, but also the three smilie faces! I'm sooo glad I put that last line in. I find myself some what fond of the snake man too, but I can't help but to poke fun at him. I have some good news for you as well, because I plan to have Kabuto walk in further on down the line and his reaction will not be one of disgust. But I'm sorry to say that for the sake of humor, the majority of others will not like what they see. I agree that my last one wasn't as great as I intended it to be, but I hope you will find this one more favorable. Thanks once again, for your time and review.

**Meari T:** You were the first one to ever review and for that you have my eternal love and gratitude! You were also the only one so far to review without an account and for that I love you all the more. You're review has made my life. I'm glad my story made you blush and burst with laughter, because your review made me blush too and burst into tears of happiness. It wasn't a pretty sight to see I'm sure. Thankyou so much for the beautiful review. It flooded my heart with joy.

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><p>"!"<p>

Sai's head shot up as a blood curdling scream rang throughout Orochimaru's labyrinth. Aforementioned Root operative was currently positioned outside the missing Uchiha's residence, surveying the slumbering male. Sai froze as his target shifted in response to the noise. Luckily, the traitor only muttered a brief 'dobe' before resuming his deep breathing which quickly turned into obnoxious snores.

Sai wondered at the Uchiha's ability to sleep through such racket, but realized that such sounds must be common in the domain of the snake sannin. Besides the torturing and slaughtering going on, the infamous villain also had some other very disgusting habits. Despite his dutiful nature, Sai allowed himself the distraction of a flashback so as to reflect on the previously mentioned nasty happenings.

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><p>Earlier in the day…<p>

After successfully ditching the remains of Team Seven, Sai found himself ambling along after Orochimaru and Kabuto. Everything was going as Danzo had ordered and so Sai considered all to be well in the world, even though he was in questionable company. Shortly after this uplifting revelation, Orochimaru ordered a break upon arriving at a creek.

The creek was a sparkling clean that was crisp and cold against Sai's pale visage. Next to him, the med-nin Kabuto took the time to rinse his weapons of blood and poison. Sai was appreciative to note that he did this downstream and so he spared the man a smile, fake as it was.

Sometime during Sai's and Kabuto's time at the creek, Orochimaru had discreetly slipped away. Sai patiently awaited the return of his current 'master' along with his fellow man-bitch. Though Sai didn't ask for the assurance, Kabuto supplied that Orochimaru would join them momentarily. A moment went by, followed quickly by another. A full fifteen minutes later had yet to yield the reappearance of the missing man.

Kabuto, as the veteran man-bitch of the two, curtly ordered Sai to fetch their master. Sai graced him with another fake smile, before venturing off to the surrounding foliage. It didn't take the pasty boy long to find the equally pasty man. Sai found this to be rather unfortunate.

Now keep in mind that Sai was a rather emotionless fellow. He was the product of years of harsh training and punishments administered by Danzo, who had raised him with an iron-fist. Human feelings had literally been beaten and bleed from his system, until he was nothing but a killing machine. All in all, Sai was one tough cookie to crack.

But even tough cookies like Sai can crack when the right conditions are exposed. Or in this case, when Orochimaru is exposed. Literally.

All the years Danzo had spent crafting the perfect shinobi were put to shame, when the tough-cookie-to-crack Sai didn't just crack; he crumbled into nothing more than cookie crumbs. He might have been able to withstand various forms of torture and other such unpleasant things, but the sight of Orochimaru in the nude was nearly enough to do him in. Nearly.

Sai blinked away the image of fluorescent nudity and banished the bile back into the bowels of his bare belly. He plastered on a smile, by far the fakest, and allowed his eyelids to encase his vision. There was no real reason he needed to see right now he surmised.

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><p>Unknowing of Sai's presence, Orochimaru found himself sighing for the umpteenth time as he stared head on at the current dilemma that had him in a bind. You see, due to a certain annoyance, his outfit that he had painstakingly picked out this morning had been ruined. The snake sannin had expected to confront his ex-partner-in-crime, Sasori, and so he had went to great measures to look even more stunning than usual. He had wanted to look hot as he smacked that puppet around for trying to steal Kabuto from under his nose. After all, Kabuto was his man-bitch to boss around.<p>

But alas, Sasori was dead and his attire was ruined. One look at the mud and blood stained, ripped fabric was enough for him to diagnose the cute ensemble as unsalvageable and unworthy of covering his sexy body. This left him with the difficult task of choosing another equally fetching outfit from his back up wardrobe.

To any other tasteless bigot, such a task would be easy. But he was Orochimaru, and he had a reputation to uphold as the sexiest man in Sound. He couldn't afford to drop his game even for a day, now that he had started to teach the Uchiha brat how to dress to kill. Without him, the boy would be an over looked pretty boy in frumpy clothes.

Finding the current tatters of his old clothes to be restrictive of his inspiration, he quickly shimmied out of them. Now blissfully free, he returned to the task at hand and weighed his options with a critical eye. He was just debating between an egg-shell white and chalk white tunic, when a strange choking sound alerted him to the presence of another.

It was his new slave Sai. The only good thing to come out of the disastrous day was this new boy toy. Now Orochimaru had yet another to boss around and Sasuke would have a playmate as he was sure the boys would be fast friends. Observing the boy's apparel, Orochimaru deemed him acceptable in the art of dressing and decided to ask for his opinion.

"Good thing you're here. I was just about to summon Manda, but you'll do just fine," Orochimaru faced the boy giving him a good frontal, "Eggshell white or chalk white."

"Eggshell," the boy responded immediately.

"You didn't even look," the snake sannin objected, but sighed, "You're right though; eggshell is much more appealing. Why would I even consider the chalk white one?"

Orochimaru shooed the boy who quickly disappeared, happy to be dismissed. Orochimaru stewed over his almost fashion no-no and muttered about the obvious superiority of eggshell white when compared to chalk white. He could only count his lucky stars that he hadn't summoned his pal Manda, for the snake would never let him live it down.

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><p>Abruptly dislodging himself from the unpleasant memory, Sai attempted to focus himself on his mission. Later on, Sai would discover that the emotion he had experienced today had been disgust. But for now, he fell into ninja mode and crammed away all internal uproar; he had a snoring traitor to wake. After all, their master did want them to play. Sai sure hoped the Uchiha liked ink snakes.<p>

/Fin/

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Thank you to all to have read and liked this! I apologize for such a late update, but I put up another story **Testosterone, Tampons and Teammates**, which is fairing better as far as review wise, so it got more attention from me. It's actually where I got the idea for this little series from. And I also wrote a sad little one shot called **Waiting**, so that took up a good chunk of time as well.

I actually considered abandoning this little fic, because I was so displeased by it when I reread it. I might go back one day to fix this once my skills as a writer have improved. But then, the combined efforts of **Meari T** and **well then** had me coming back Rocky style. I really hoped ya'll enjoyed this one.

I have great plans to include both Uchiha brothers, Kabuto(of course), Sasori, the other sannins, and Kakashi. If you have any others you would like to see, just let me know and I'll be happy to oblige.

For those who love Orochimaru, I'm sorry for somewhat bashing him. I don't mean to offend, but if I do, I'm super sorry.

And on a last note, please alert, fav, review, or all three. You don't even need an account to review and a quick 'update' or ':)' is more than enough to make me happy. So please, just take a second to inspire me to slave away for hours.

Sorry for the rant and thank you oh so very much for reading. Until later~


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